Day 17 – My brain is throwing up

I have something that I want to write about but I have wasted so much of my day today that now my brain is completely in overdrive, trying to make up for the glutton laziness that was my day.  I’m thinking about 20 different things I want to post about, just did a talking out loud rant about what I was thinking about (this is when living alone comes in handy), and then had to interrupt myself to make a detailed list of all that I’m going to do tomorrow so that I don’t waste another day.  Then I started thinking about how I should post that list to create accountability since the whole not-drinking and blogging about it everyday has worked for me thus far.  Oh, maybe I should also post my “to-do” list and let everyone know if I flossed or not while I’m at it!  Jeez, I feel sorry for anyone who ends up having to read that!
And, by the way, all this brain vomit has made me overlook the most important thing of this day – it’s Day 17.  I’m almost to my smaller 20 day goal and I’m more than half way to my August 31 goal.  Now that just gave me some perspective!

I’m so impatient.  I can’t just think that I’m going to straighten something out in 17 days that has been a problem for 18 years.  The “topic” I’ve been thinking about writing today is something that I think became an issue in college and today is the first time that I wondered if it might be related to drinking.  That makes me think that it’s an issue I can choose to take with me into my new and (fingers still crossed) sober future OR NOT.  Is this “topic” something that I have subconsciously conditioned myself to do?  If so, then I can choose to let go of it along with the alcohol.  If not, then I can better identify it and try to figure it out a bit more and then release it.

And, I assume this happens to other writers/bloggers out there, but as I just wrote all that out, I realized that what I initially thought about the “topic” has just shifted the slightest bit.  Which means that keeping this blog and letting the thoughts and sentences come out, without judging them, is working for me and could continue to be very therapeutic.  I also had another little thought that came out, but I had to put it back in its container because its just too painful to take it out right now.  But I’ve also noticed that a lot of my thoughts are connecting to this issue as well.  It’s hard because I’m more of a “the past is the past, just let it go and move on” type of person.  But, if carefully taking out the past to examine it and then packing it back up can move me forward or release me from some issues, then it would be worth it.  I heard/read others talk about this type of thing, that sometimes just one problem at a time can’t be addressed.  It always made sense to me when I was an outsider to it, but now I’m beginning to understand it in a different way.  I can understand why some people refuse help, therapy, interventions, etc.  I’m guilty of this in some way too because for the past few years I’ve met with a counselor once or twice a month and I only talk about surface things that are easily fixed.  I share my real thoughts, feelings and emotions, but I don’t share my real problems.  Okay, that’s it, there’s nothing left to throw up right now and all that thinking and connecting events was tiring.  Here’s to a productive Day 18 (and whatever tomorrow is for you!).

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5 thoughts on “Day 17 – My brain is throwing up

  1. i call this “rapid brain syndrome” 🙂 and i also know that, in my case, just because i CAN think something, doesn’t mean i HAVE to think it NOW (or all at once). sometimes i make lists of things to think about later. so that i don’t ruin today with too much thinking. for example, new business idea, i could spend hours researching, or i could set the timer, do 25 minutes, make notes, and then pick it up again tomorrow. sure i could do 14 hrs now, but i might burn out the idea before it really has a chance to grow. and i want to distribute the good energy over more than one day. the reverse is true for bad feelings, maybe. unpack them for bits at a time, controlled lengths of time, then review them again later. not all today in 14 hrs. some today and some tomorrow….

  2. I love how you wrote that you can’t fix something in 17 days that took 18 years to do. I needed to hear this because after 30 days of being sober I thought I had it down pat. I know that I have so much work to do to fix what I have done for the last 25 years! Stating over sucks but it will make me a stronger fighter!
    Jen

    • Yes, that was actually the first time I thought of it like that and I might not have had that thought if I hadn’t posted the blog. It just came to me. It makes me think that I will just keep sharing my thoughts and feelings and see what comes of it!

  3. I can relate to what you are saying – about past things starting to be seen in another light and wondering about the role alcohol played etc. Some “stuff” happened to me over 20 years ago, that I realise I did not fully deal with. Only now I see that this stuff influenced my drinking but my drinking also prevented me from dealing with it. Have not got even close yet to posting about “this stuff” – maybe one day i will be brave enough to do so. What do I fear? You are doing so so well and I am loving your writing.

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