I’m here…

I’m here.  I’m hanging in.  I’ve been depressed this weekend but the last two weeks have been pretty good overall.  My parents came to visit, but there was a bit of family drama.  I am the one in my family who is most objective, able to help others compromise and negotiate nicely, able to talk to different parties so that when they talk to each other they have already calmed down and opened up their minds.  My other sister is going through a hard time and I’m coaching her through that as well.

I’ve been drinking here and there over the past two weeks.  I don’t know why.  I’m still adjusting to a new work schedule.  The hours are long, but I’m very happy with this job and hope that it is a place I can spend the next 5-10 years.  After three weeks, I think its time to stop giving myself a pass and start being consistent with the things I want and need to do.  My top priority during this transition was eating healthy and I’ve done really well with that.  Now, I want to work back in a reasonable exercise schedule.  I don’t know why I can’t/won’t just stop drinking like I did in August.  It’s so true what everyone says, no one cares if I drink or not.  Most of my friends have moved beyond the partying phase, as have I, and we don’t need alcohol in order to have a reason to see each other.  I’m sure my family would rather me not drink.  I know I’m not invisible and I’m sure they must have noticed how I drink more than they do but probably think its just for the occasion of us being together since we all live apart now.

I’m glad I’m writing this right now, but it’s hard.  I’m not sure if I’m succeeding or failing.  I’m not sure if things will get better or if this is just how life is.

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am I normal now?

I felt really normal this week.  It was a little unsettling.  Is this how normal people feel?  Like, the day was fine, some funny things happened, some good things happened, there was a difficult meeting, overall I know I have a good life and I’m thankful for it, goodnight and let’s do it all again tomorrow.

I still found life to be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time, but I was able to move on.  For example, one night there was a beautiful moon.  Usually, I would stop everything, pull over if I was driving, and just enjoy and appreciate the hell out of that beautiful moon.  But this week, I noticed it, I appreciated it, I sent gratitude to the universe for such a moon and then I washed the dished.  No big deal.  On the flip side, I did not cry at all this week.  Out of anxiety, from the change of a new job, from the pressure of wanting to do my best and be respected by my colleagues, from all the love and support that my friends and family sent my way, or from loneliness in the evening.  I was just stable and steady.  I like and respect the people I’m now working with and I know I did a great job this week.  Is this what “normal” feels like?

It makes me think, that for the past several years, all the times I thought I was doing okay and managing – I really wasn’t.  Not compared to how I’m doing now.  I’m still taking the anti-depressant right before I go to bed and I’ll keep doing that for a couple more weeks until I switch back to mornings.  My moods and feelings have really leveled out.  There is a part of me that misses the intensity of the good stuff but none of me that misses the lows and the negative thinking that accompanied the lows.  I”m glad that I took the leap to go on an anti-depressant for the next year.  I really wanted to treat my depression naturally, but it wasn’t having the effect I needed and I just knew in my gut that it was time to be more aggressive with this issue.

I haven’t lost my personality or my quick wit, I’m still here, I’m just evened out and I need to appreciate it and enjoy it.