there was a huge party

I let life get the better of my goal to post everyday during December.

On Thursday, I was just exhausted.  It was a good exhausted because I love this job I started in October.  But all I could do was come home, lay on the couch, watch a show and go to bed.  I should have forced myself to just a short post, but I gave into the laziness I needed to recover from the day.

So, there was this huge holiday party for my organization last night and I drank.  It’s okay, nothing bad happended, I had 3 glasses of wine and they were pouring a proper glass, and I know I’m still not a normal drinker because of the effort it took to stop after 3.  But I would like to share the situation.

One of my closest friends was coming as my guest.  She knows that I’m not drinking in December but not the whole story as to why.  I went to pick her up and told her that I really wanted to have a glass of wine at the party.  We talked about it a little bit and agreed that she would keep and eye on me and I would not drink too much.  I think the main reason that I was able to drink safely last night was because there was someone there who knew and was supporting me.  That is not normally the case.  I’m not saying that I can now drink normally if I have a friend with me.  It just happened to work out fine last night.  But, I also noticed that there were alot of people not drinking at all.  I noticed that there were a couple of people who were totally drunk and are going to feel really bad about it come Monday.  Also, the food was amazing and I spread my drinks out.  And I still know it’s not normal to put that amount of effort into controlled drinking.

There is a SMART recovery meeting on Friday evenings not too far from me.  I’ve been thinking of going.  It would be one of those huge scary things that probably turns out just fine.  I think Friday would be the perfect night to go to a meeting and acknowledge the success of not drinking during the week while building back up the strength to not cave in on the weekend.

Avoidance

This week I’ve been thinking about how I use alcohol as a tool for avoidance.  It’s not that I use it to deaden feelings or not deal with life.  I think I often use it so that I can avoid certain feelings/issues and only deal with them when I want to not when they organically come up.

I’m very reflective, I work on myself, I keep a journal, I’m there for others, I feel things deeply, but I tend to want to do all this on my own time and if I don’t feel like it, then I will find ways to avoid it.  I’m willing to have hard times, I’m willing to experience great sadness and other difficulties and to work through them.  I don’t have a whole lot of experience compromising and doing things on other people’s time.  I’m single, I’ve mostly lived alone, I was the youngest child, I make all my own decisions and I’m in a leadership position at work.

This “not so new job” is working out better than I could have hoped for.  I love the work, the people and my sense of purpose there.  But I’m also using the new job as an excuse to not go out and accomplish some of the other things in my personal life.  I haven’t gone out much since I started and am just keeping up with close friends.  I haven’t been working out but I have been putting in the time to pack healthy lunches and make simple healthy dinners.  So, I’m doing okay, even well, but I could be doing so much better.

I’m reading all of your blogs, I’m thinking about this great community of the sobersphere, I”m thinking about when I will really be ready to stop drinking.  I’m thinking about going to the SMART Recovery meetings.  I’m thinking about my future and what I want for my grown up self.  I’m thinking.