I wonder which cravings are worse. Physical or psychological? My cravings are mostly psychological. Today, in a meeting, the woman I was talking to had a very red, ruddish complexion with little red veins on her face. “I bet she drinks lots of wine.” I thought, not with judgement, but with envy. “I bet she’s going to drink tonight. Maybe I should drink tonight. My face still looks fine. I seem to bounce back fairly quick when I stop drinking. Maybe all of December is too hard. I should probably give myself a break on the weekends. Then, in January, I can do every other weekend.” I didn’t try to fight these thoughts or tell myself what a bad person I was for having them. I went home not too long after that meeting. As I got in my car I thought, “This is so boring.” The thought of going home and doing whatever it is when I don’t drink, it just seemed boring. When I arrived home, I sat in my car for a bit. I just wasn’t ready to move on. I did not physically want alcohol, but I did want it psychologically and emotionally. I rolled down the window a bit and enjoyed the cool air. I played a game on my phone. I went inside. I took a break and laid on my bed for a bit. I made dinner and lunch for tomorrow. I remembered to add chia seeds to my salad because they are super healthy and good for brain function. The sweet and tangy ginger beer was refreshing. I cried a little. I’m tearing up now. I took an anti-anxiety pill when I got home rather than before bed because I felt like I needed to be more calm by the time I go to bed.
In August, my day 3 was overstimulating and I even had a good cry in the bathroom during work. But at the end of the day, I felt really proud of myself. I even looked forward to my replacement treat of ice cream. Today’s day 3 was calm, a bit sad, and I don’t even want any special treats beyond my ginger beer.
Oh, and I have a huge event to attend on Friday. I’m nervous. However, a good friend is coming with me and I have told her I’m doing a 30 day challenge so I don’t gain weight over the holidays. I will be able to enlist her support and tell her that there is no way I’m going to drink at this thing. Still, I’m a little nervous.