cravings

I wonder which cravings are worse.  Physical or psychological? My cravings are mostly psychological.  Today, in a meeting, the woman I was talking to had a very red, ruddish complexion with little red veins on her face.  “I bet she drinks lots of wine.”  I thought, not with judgement, but with envy.  “I bet she’s going to drink tonight.  Maybe I should drink tonight.  My face still looks fine.  I seem to bounce back fairly quick when I stop drinking.  Maybe all of December is too hard.  I should probably give myself a break on the weekends. Then, in January, I can do every other weekend.”  I didn’t try to fight these thoughts or tell myself what a bad person I was for having them.  I went home not too long after that meeting.  As I got in my car I thought, “This is so boring.”  The thought of going home and doing whatever it is when I don’t drink, it just seemed boring.  When I arrived home, I sat in my car for a bit.  I just wasn’t ready to move on.  I did not physically want alcohol, but I did want it psychologically and emotionally.  I rolled down the window a bit and enjoyed the cool air.  I played a game on my phone.  I went inside.  I took a break and laid on my bed for a bit.  I made dinner and lunch for tomorrow.  I remembered to add chia seeds to my salad because they are super healthy and good for brain function.  The sweet and tangy ginger beer was refreshing.  I cried a little.  I’m tearing up now.  I took an anti-anxiety pill when I got home rather than before bed because I felt like I needed to be more calm by the time I go to bed.

In August, my day 3 was overstimulating and I even had a good cry in the bathroom during work.  But at the end of the day, I felt really proud of myself.  I even looked forward to my replacement treat of ice cream.  Today’s day 3 was calm, a bit sad, and I don’t even want any special treats beyond my ginger beer.

Oh, and I have a huge event to attend on Friday.  I’m nervous.  However, a good friend is coming with me and I have told her I’m doing a 30 day challenge so I don’t gain weight over the holidays.  I will be able to enlist her support and tell her that there is no way I’m going to drink at this thing.  Still, I’m a little nervous.

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2 thoughts on “cravings

  1. you’re doing great because you’re doing it. you’re not just thinking about it, you’re really doing it now 🙂 my tiny word of advice would be to not look back but rather to look forward. imagine how it’s going to feel when… (versus what it felt like last time). this isn’t last time, this is now, and it’ll be both easier and trickier in its own ways. gloat during the easier times, and cry during the tougher times. and keep on rolling 🙂

  2. You are doing great, particularly to recognise and acknowledge these thoughts and let them roll past BUT NOT ACT ON THEM. One thing that helps me is playing it forward: What would really happen if you drank? Would it really just be a little bit on the weekends then no more all week? How would you feel? What would be the consequences.

    I have to admit the ‘this is boring’ thoughts are a huge hurdle for me. I SO associate booze with fun, relaxing etc and for so long thought of people who didn’t drink (or should I say who didn’t drink excessively) as ‘boring’. But really I just wanted them to enable me and their not drinking made me feel threatened. AND, drunk people can be the most BORING people in the world. And hangovers are SUPER boring. And there are all these great joys to discover in sobriety if we can keep pushing through those moments.

    So keep going my friend.

    Lilly x

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