I feel pretty good today. I got a little panicky when I was heading home around 7pm. I needed to make a quick stop at the grocery store, but I had this vision of getting a bottle of wine and just starting again tomorrow. It scared me. I decided I would skip the store and just make do with what food I had at home for dinner and lunch tomorrow. I just didn’t trust myself to go in there and not come out with a bottle of wine. I’m proud of myself, but I’m not quite sure how I did it. I mean, it was tempting, I would love to have a glass (or 5) of wine right now, but I also thought about tomorrow. I thought about how I wanted to go to work feeling good. I wanted to get through the day feeling confident. I must remember to play the tape in my head ALL THE WAY TO THE END. I have to do that every time I think about drinking.
I was curious to look back on what my first 2nd day had been like in August. I wrote two posts that day and I was feeling pretty good about each of them. It was SO exciting to get a comment on my blog that I couldn’t wait to tell the sobersphere that I had done it for another day. That support and attention is a huge part of what got me through August. I still love and appreciate comments and likes. But now, they are more like affirmations of something I also know deep down rather than insights that have never occurred to me before. When I first started this blog, comments pretty much made me giddy with excitement and anticipation, but now they calm me. I’ve gotten to know some of you through your own blogs and the comments often feel like a good friend is simply being real with me.
I used to cry and cry as I wrote the posts in August. I’m tearing up a bit now, remembering all that raw emotion. I’m much more calm now about not drinking. I will take a mild anti-anxiety so that I can relax and help to turn off my always thinking and talking to me brain as I read and fall asleep. I would probably be okay without it but I want the security of it for now.
Goodnight sobersphere. Thank you.