I realized something sitting in a meeting this morning. Drinking makes me feel inadequate (insecure, unsure, vulnerable, not good enough).
I drank last night and did not sleep well. It was hard to wake up this morning. I felt worried about having a productive day because I wasn’t in the best condition. I actually took an anti-anxiety pill that I rarely take anymore. I’ve had to do this before on hungover days.
At the meeting, I felt a little panic that I wasn’t learning all that I need to know for this job quick enough. I was comparing myself to my colleague and feeling like I will never do the job as well as she does it. I was even feeling like a fake, like just because I have excellent communication and people skills I can hide behind those skills but at some point everyone will find out I’m not that great.
Thankfully, the little voice that is getting louder and speaking up more quickly now, chimed in. “Drinking makes you feel inadequate. You would not be thinking any of these things if you did not drink last night. Drinking makes you doubt yourself because drinking is a secret that you are hiding. When you are hungover you have to work so hard to act like everything is perfect, then you feel like a fake. That makes you feel insecure and vulnerable because you don’t want to be found out.”
I’m thankful for the little voice that is getting stronger. Yes, I could start my quit date earlier if I decide to. Part of me feels like I need to go through this week listening to my voice and continuing to create awareness. When I stopped drinking in August it was actually a very impulsive decision – I just made a blog and wrote about it all in one day, then I was committed to it for the month. This time, I’m not quitting drinking because I’m scared, I’m quitting because I want to.