drinking makes me feel inadequate

I realized something sitting in a meeting this morning.  Drinking makes me feel inadequate (insecure, unsure, vulnerable, not good enough).

I drank last night and did not sleep well.  It was hard to wake up this morning.  I felt worried about having a productive day because I wasn’t in the best condition.  I actually took an anti-anxiety pill that I rarely take anymore.  I’ve had to do this before on hungover days.

At the meeting, I felt a little panic that I wasn’t learning all that I need to know for this job quick enough.  I was comparing myself to my colleague and feeling like I will never do the job as well as she does it.  I was even feeling like a fake, like just because I have excellent communication and people skills I can hide behind those skills but at some point everyone will find out I’m not that great.

Thankfully, the little voice that is getting louder and speaking up more quickly now, chimed in.  “Drinking makes you feel inadequate.  You would not be thinking any of these things if you did not drink last night.  Drinking makes you doubt yourself because drinking is a secret that you are hiding.  When you are hungover you have to work so hard to act like everything is perfect, then you feel like a fake.  That makes you feel insecure and vulnerable because you don’t want to be found out.”

I’m thankful for the little voice that is getting stronger.  Yes, I could start my quit date earlier if I decide to.  Part of me feels like I need to go through this week listening to my voice and continuing to create awareness.  When I stopped drinking in August it was actually a very impulsive decision – I just made a blog and wrote about it all in one day, then I was committed to it for the month.  This time, I’m not quitting drinking because I’m scared, I’m quitting because I want to.


9 thoughts on “drinking makes me feel inadequate

  1. Oh how I know how you feel:( Isnt it great though to become more aware of what you are thinking and feeling about your drinking. That inner voice is there guiding us and wont leave us alone until we are who were are meant to be. We cant quiet that voice….It gets stronger and stronger until we make a change. For Me I have been living 2 separate lives..the perfect wife, mother, volunteer ect. but on the inside I was not myself….hating myself more and more because of this insecure woman hiding my problem(drinking) from everyone:( I found freedom in sharing my problem with other alcoholics and it has changed my life for the better!! I feel like I am becoming “ME” again!! I know you will be there soon too! Check out the TED talk from Berne Brown on the power of vulnerability on youtube. Wonderful that you are so self aware!!!

  2. It’s a very insightful voice. I can recall that feeling of having to work twice as hard to seem even remotely professional when I hangover….waiting for the day to pass so I can get to bed. When you give it away, you will feel more than deserving of your colleagues respect I’m sure. Take care, and looking forward to seeing start, Paul.

  3. I’ll let you in on a little secret…Strong, smart employees usually feel like an imposter and tend to be insecure. Usually women. It’s what makes you a great hire – you will never stop working to prove that you can and have done what they hired you to do. You’re more than capable and fooled no one into bringing you on – you’re there for a reason.

  4. I hear ya! Hangovers made me feel a LOT of negative things, like severe depression, anxiety (pill-able kind), and generally speaking, a sense of soul-loss. I felt like a fraud, too, mainly because I knew I could probably be more than just getting by at my work (which I hated, and which is why I drank, too). I think quitting drinking, for me, has helped recover that fragmented sense of self, which is caused somehow by drinking. We ARE living two separate realities (because we feel guilty and want to hide our drinking and hangovers), and I think we know that there is something wrong with this. I feel so good about myself, on the inside, knowing that I’m sober — even if no one else does. Can’t explain why yet, but it’s a good feeling to be in ONE piece at a time!

    Congrats on your quit date!

  5. I completely agree.. I am still drinking, not often and with haste, but still do. I don’t look for reasons to drink like I used to and genuinely feel happy with the four corners of my life that balance me… but its always there. Holding me down. Thanks for writing, trying to figure out how to follow you. I like what you are saying.

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