This week I’ve been thinking about how I use alcohol as a tool for avoidance. It’s not that I use it to deaden feelings or not deal with life. I think I often use it so that I can avoid certain feelings/issues and only deal with them when I want to not when they organically come up.
I’m very reflective, I work on myself, I keep a journal, I’m there for others, I feel things deeply, but I tend to want to do all this on my own time and if I don’t feel like it, then I will find ways to avoid it. I’m willing to have hard times, I’m willing to experience great sadness and other difficulties and to work through them. I don’t have a whole lot of experience compromising and doing things on other people’s time. I’m single, I’ve mostly lived alone, I was the youngest child, I make all my own decisions and I’m in a leadership position at work.
This “not so new job” is working out better than I could have hoped for. I love the work, the people and my sense of purpose there. But I’m also using the new job as an excuse to not go out and accomplish some of the other things in my personal life. I haven’t gone out much since I started and am just keeping up with close friends. I haven’t been working out but I have been putting in the time to pack healthy lunches and make simple healthy dinners. So, I’m doing okay, even well, but I could be doing so much better.
I’m reading all of your blogs, I’m thinking about this great community of the sobersphere, I”m thinking about when I will really be ready to stop drinking. I’m thinking about going to the SMART Recovery meetings. I’m thinking about my future and what I want for my grown up self. I’m thinking.