went to another meeting, the world is still turning

I went to another online meeting.  I am trying to work up the gusto to go to one in person.  I am fortunate enough to live in a metropolitan area so I have several to choose from.

This evening, the “meeting room” was full so I went to the 24/7 chat at SMART recovery.  I was actually nervous!  The online meetings have a structure to them, so all I had to do was follow the facilitator and I really just observed (the one yesterday).  Tonight it was just a regular chat.  I stayed mostly on the sidelines but when I did join in it was welcomed and I felt like I authentically contributed.  Then someone asked me a direct question, and I shared the facts.  That I did not drink in August and September has been really shaky.  I admitted that I was scared to go to a meeting because that would make my problem a “real life” problem.  AND THE WORLD KEPT TURNING!  People shared some of their own experience, they affirmed my thought that I believe this is in my control, and they were just really cool in general.  I hope that these online meetings can be my path to an in person meeting.  I can’t pressure myself right now.

The most powerful thing I heard, is that when you have the urge to drink, play a little movie in your head and envision how it will go up to the very end.

Did you just do it?  When I did, I felt a little sick because I went all the way to when I wake up tomorrow morning.  We all know how that feels, not good at all.  That actually shut down the very mild thoughts of drinking that I had today.

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7 thoughts on “went to another meeting, the world is still turning

  1. that’s so cool, i love the movie idea. it’s like what i wrote earlier this week about the feeling of regret. sometimes it’s ONLY knowing that i’ll regret it tomorrow, that keeps me from drinking today. which is fine 🙂 then i go along for 2-3-4-6 days without really having a strong desire. then when it comes up again, just boot it down, and keep going. It was Paul who helped me first realize this. I’m glad you’re learning stuff in these meetings that you can pass on to us 🙂

  2. Thanks, Suzy, that’s a really useful technique. The hardest thing in the early days is to shut that voice up with its drinking suggestions. If mine starts nattering, i tell it tomorrow. Then tomorrow, then tomorrow, etc, then suddenly it’s 50 days and i’ve worked too hard to throw that away like i did last time. You can do this! xx

  3. Yes I do the movie thing. From that magical honey buzz of the first sip to the “more more more, its never enough” to the blood sugar dip to the 3 am thirst and sweat and heart racing to the morning hangover and birdcage mouth and liverish feeling and eating all day to try to assuage and the overall self loathing. that whole scenario I can play out in in my mind 10 seconds max. Its been 117 days for me and yet as I write this the feeling is as real as ever – a good thing I suppose!

  4. Thanks everyone. Yes, it is what Belle would call “the wolf” but there is a SMART term for it. I think there’s also an exercise where you can predict what your Wolf would say to you and then play out how you are going to work around it. I let myself get too hungry today (I must have blood sugar issues) and the wolf is whispering but I’m reminding myself how much I want and need to go to a Zumba class and am eating the nuts and banana chips in my bag so he will shut the fuck up!!!!

  5. hahaha. kick the shit out of that wolf! 🙂 if it helps, i actually had my first moment of wolflessness the other day on the acupuncture table. i guess i was meditating, and *of course* i thought about how “nice” it would be the have a glass of wine (yeah, like right on the table lying face up). but then my “higher brain” was like, NOOOOO. i think it’s a gradual process, but eventually, slowly but surely, you realize that wine will feed the wolf, but it won’t feed what your brain really needs = clarity and progress.

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