I’m going to tell the truth as quickly as I can and post it. I have to tell the truth, its the only way I think I’ll make some progress and also come to some answers.
I drank last night. There were a couple of opportunities to make a different choice, but I didn’t. I’m not sure why though.
The trigger – I was very hungry and had not eaten well or much. So not only was I hungry, but I think I had a major blood sugar dip. Then, after spending this lovely day with my nieces and a little bit of time at my sister’s house, I stopped by Target on my way home. I was sitting in the car, not even sure if I should go in because I might not be able to resist getting a bottle of wine and when I finally went in I grabbed a soda hoping that the sugar would kick in and I would calm down. Then I realized that this location didn’t even sell wine! Problem solved. Nope, because then I thought about it all the way home. “I really really want it. I didn’t ever want it like this during August. Why would the craving be so strong now?” I actually started to turn onto my street and then kept going. You know how the rest goes.
Secondary trigger – I feel horrible expressing this, but I don’t really like spending time with my sister and her husband anymore. I know they have a good relationship and my nieces are well-adjusted children, but I find their relationship confusing. Its not fun to hang out with them. It used to be, when I was much younger, but something is different now. I think that just threw me off a bit.
Tertiary trigger – I realized I was going home to a long evening. Alone. Drinking on Sunday evening used to be something I looked forward to as I cooked a nice meal and got ready for the week. But, I didn’t enjoy my evening. I was emotional, knowing that I should not be drinking and I was. Also, I have the next two weeks off. I gave these weeks to myself as a gift and reward for leaving a job that was unreasonably demanding and finding another great one to replace it. I don’t feel rewarded today. I feel like crap. I’m hot, I have a headache, I’m depressed, its hard to concentrate and while I know I still have time to turn my day around and make something of it, it seems like such effort right now.
I didn’t realize how susceptible I was yesterday until I was in the middle of it and couldn’t force myself out of it. I felt so good about the clarity that I had and recommittment to not drinking. I’m out of words…