This truth telling is not pretty

I’m going to tell the truth as quickly as I can and post it.  I have to tell the truth, its the only way I think I’ll make some progress and also come to some answers.

I drank last night.  There were a couple of opportunities to make a different choice, but I didn’t.  I’m not sure why though.

The trigger – I was very hungry and had not eaten well or much.  So not only was I hungry, but I think I had a major blood sugar dip.  Then, after spending this lovely day with my nieces and a little bit of time at my sister’s house, I stopped by Target on my way home.  I was sitting in the car, not even sure if I should go in because I might not be able to resist getting a bottle of wine and when I finally went in I grabbed a soda hoping that the sugar would kick in and I would calm down.  Then I realized that this location didn’t even sell wine!  Problem solved.  Nope, because then I thought about it all the way home.  “I really really want it.  I didn’t ever want it like this during August.  Why would the craving be so strong now?”  I actually started to turn onto my street and then kept going.   You know how the rest goes.

Secondary trigger – I feel horrible expressing this, but I don’t really like spending time with my sister and her husband anymore.  I know they have a good relationship and my nieces are well-adjusted children, but I find their relationship confusing.  Its not fun to hang out with them.  It used to be, when I was much younger, but something is different now.  I think that just threw me off a bit.

Tertiary trigger – I realized I was going home to a long evening.  Alone.  Drinking on Sunday evening used to be something I looked forward to as I cooked a nice meal and got ready for the week.  But, I didn’t enjoy my evening.  I was emotional, knowing that I should not be drinking and I was.  Also, I have the next two weeks off.  I gave these weeks to myself as a gift and reward for leaving a job that was unreasonably demanding and finding another great one to replace it.  I don’t feel rewarded today.  I feel like crap.  I’m hot, I have a headache, I’m depressed, its hard to concentrate and while I know I still have time to turn my day around and make something of it, it seems like such effort right now.

I didn’t realize how susceptible I was yesterday until I was in the middle of it and couldn’t force myself out of it.  I felt so good about the clarity that I had and recommittment to not drinking.  I’m out of words…


2 thoughts on “This truth telling is not pretty

  1. *big hugs* Don’t be too hard on yourself; it happens. It happens to me more than I care to admit here. Just pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start down the path again. And if you stumble again and find yourself back in this spot, it’s ok. Starting again is always an option – there is no law that states relapses equal never being sober again. Breathe, slowly, deeply, and stand in your power. 🙂

  2. your truth telling isn’t as awful as you think it is 🙂 crummy family relationships – we all got ’em! boredom? check. hungry/angry/tired? yup. i’ve found that happy will also do it. so will lonely, stressed, afraid, and PMS. just about any emotion will stir the wolf into action: you should drink now. only over time can we realize that we are not the wolf. we are not the noise in our head. it’s just noise. it’s not even the truth – or anything close to the truth… you will begin today and you will have a great day tomorrow 🙂 and every day after that will get easier, like a snowball rolling down hill, gathering momentum as it goes.

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