The first drink

It’s really just the first drink that I’m looking for.  The first drink is relaxing but it can also pep me up.  It’s warm and fuzzy and puts the slightest glow on everything.  Lots of people have that first drink, soak in what it does for them and then stop.  I don’t.

While it may relax me, its only the first drink that does what I need it to.  Every drink after that is just chasing and trying to hold onto those initial feelings and sensations.  Each drink after the first is an attempt to maintain but it never works.  I read this somewhere recently but I’ve seen this theme/idea/thread in many other blogs, articles and books.

Today I wondered why there wasn’t anything else that I chase the way I’ve chased alcohol.  After a bit of chocolate the sensors in my system tell me its enough and I stop.  After a great meal, even if I’ve had a second helping, something in my system tells me to stop.  I’ve never had the whole pot of stew, how ridiculous!  Even after the fizzy drinks that are my replacements for alcohol in the evening, something tells me its enough and I switch to water.  No drug has ever gotten me this way, no food, no person, no hobby – nothing!  Nothing has ever had a hold on me the way alcohol has.

How do I fix this sensor in my system that is clearly broken?  I’ve started, I’m stepping towards learning how to rewire, but I know nothing about engineering, mechanics, electrics, and such.  I do know about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I can fix all sorts of things for others – but its such a different machine, trying to fix one’s self.


3 thoughts on “The first drink

  1. I think it was Cleo who wrote a while back that it’s not the fourth or fifth drink (or more) that’s the problem, it’s drinking the first one. I think of that every time the thought crosses my mind that i could have one. But it’s never just one.
    You’re doing great. Alcohol is an addictive drug, you removed it and felt great. Do you need fixed, or do you learn new ways to live without booze in your life? xx

  2. would you feel you were broken and needed to be fixed if the drug was heroin? would you think there was something wrong with you that you couldn’t stop after one (drink/shot)? maybe – just maybe – it’s the booze itself that sucks you in and makes you want more. booze is different from chocolate. it’s a drug.

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