I’m an idiot

I’m really not an idiot, I’m just someone who thought she wanted to drink again and not have any bad consequences.  Well, that does make me sound like an idiot doesn’t it?

I felt so good, calm, consistent and healthy at the end of August.  I was also tired of alcohol being an issue and taking up so much time.  I was getting used to not drinking but I was also wondering when life would go back to normal.  I needed a break from not drinking and everything that went along with it; the planning, writing every day, constantly reading books and blogs, the thinking, the reflecting.  I thought I would create a moderation plan and stick to it, but then I was tired of planning everything and I thought I would just drink if I felt like it and not drink if I felt like it.  I think I thought it might be easy, that the experiences, memories, and reconditionings of August were now a normal part of me and that the good would simply overshadow and win against the bad.

Well, it may come as no surprise to you that it did not work out that way.  I drank, then I drank again, then I drank some more.  I went out with friends one night and drank a ton.  After several days, I finally thought “okay, that’s been enough.  I’ve had my taste and I won’t drink tonight.”  But then, I did.  I stopped checking on my blog and stopped checking on others.

Then I started reading blogs again and things began to resonate again.  Someone wrote, “I have never woken up in the morning regretting that I did not drink the night before.”  That got my mind in gear, got me noticing how I wasn’t sleeping well, I was sweating more, I was more heated up and generally not feeling great or just not feeling.  I remembered how nice it felt to feel my body relax in the bed each evening and how I missed that.  I remembered how good it felt to write everyday and let things out.  I remembered how much I was getting done because my motivation was back but also how I had enough time to relax and how much I enjoyed sitting with a book for an hour just because I could.

I thought about this amazing new job I’m starting in two weeks and how I really won’t be able to drink and do this job well. Today, I’m thinking about how I have the next two weeks off and that I have an opportunity to turn this all around. I’m thinking about how I really do want to grow up a bit and I need to move forward. As a secure and developed woman, I won’t have to fear what others will say about my not drinking or that I will lose friends over it because secure and developed women don’t worry about those things because they do what is best for them.

Today I read an article by Martha Beck and she says, “What leaves you feeling bad, do less of. What leaves you feeling good, do more of.” Drinking has left me feeling bad, unmotivated, depressed, tired, anxious, and worried. Mostly unmotivated is the biggest chronic problem it causes. Not drinking has left me feeling proud, clean, hopeful, calm, grateful and clear. So, I guess the obvious solution is to do more not drinking.

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3 thoughts on “I’m an idiot

  1. well this sounds like a plan. how are you feeling about your decision now? does it feel like the right fit for you? yes, the first 30 or 60 days feels like it’s full-time work, but it does really stop — it has to 🙂 there are lots of us beyond there and honestly if it didn’t get better, no one would last very long. yes, the beginning part is sucky. get through it, and get on to the growing, “secure and developed” part 🙂 it’s waiting for you just around the corner.

  2. This is a good outlook, do more of what makes you feel good… Yes I like it! You should be proud you gave yourself a month to see how good it made you feel, and you are insightful to be able to draw a distinction between the and now. Like belle says, it does get easier. Congratulations on you new resolve, and good luck!

  3. I know this is an old post but I just saw it and I really loved the last para — that’s what I need to be thinking about right now. SO true. Thanks for writing this.

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