I’m really low today. This happens often on the weekends. I’m not sure why. This is something that has been simmering and I’m not sure if it’s connected to drinking or not. I mentioned it in another post and I’d like to take it out of it’s box, set it on the table and have a look at it today.
Here’s what usually happens:
It’s the weekend. I might do something on Friday evening, or not, but either way I’m fine with it because I’m often tired on Fridays and it can be a good night to stay in. If I go out, I”m happy with that too because it’s a nice way to end the week. Then on Saturday I might sleep in or I wake up and think, “This is my chance to not have to get up early this week” and I’ll go back to bed. I usually have intentions of getting up and making something of my morning, but the desire to go back to sleep wins. Then I get up and putter around. I never really get going so I stay in this slow mode. I’ll decide that I MUST get out the door or I’ll regret wasting my day, then it could take me another 2 hours to actually leave the house. By the time I get out, its 2,3, or 4 o’clock. Then I get home in the evening and feel like I have to make the day count. I’ll pick up, check accounts/bills, make a list for the next day that would be impossible to accomplish but makes me feel like I can make up for the wasted day. Sunday will usually be okay, but I’ve put too much on my list and then I realize I haven’t really done anything that I desire to do, I’ve just gone through my to-do list and the whole point of weekends (for me) is to do things that are fulfilling because I have to dedicate so much time to work during the week. And now, I have a job where I have to work on the weekends to stay on top of things, so for the past year I feel like I’ve barely had weekends.
I think I started doing this in college and it would bother me. I didn’t know why I wasted the day. Often, I would miss dinner because the dining hall closed early on weekends and there weren’t alot of nearby options. Or, I would mean to study for about 4 hours each day but wouldn’t do it on Saturday and would have to spend all Sunday working.
I have trouble making decisions on the weekend. The week is so structured and there just aren’t alot of choices to make in the evening. Then, all the sudden, I have 48 unplanned hours and I want then to be well spent but I end up spinning my wheels in mud because it’s so much time and there is so much to do. I can’t decide what to do first, or what I should do in the morning versus the afternoon.
I’ve periodically taken a small dose of xanax (an anti-anxiety) and I mentioned to my doctor that I usually take it on the weekend. He was so surprised and perplex and even said, “Most people take it during the week because of work” and I commented, “I get really overactive on the weekend and I worry about the week ahead” which was kind of a lie to make myself seem more normal.
I also get kind of sad on the weekend. There were many years in my 20s when this never happened because I was always dating someone and my social life was super active. But there were a couple of years in college when I often felt lonely on the weekends. And now, over the past 6-ish years so many of my friends have moved away, gotten married, had children that I just don’t have alot of people to hang out with on the weekend. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for a few years. It’s actually easier for me to get together with people during the week because all my married/kids friends want to get away and have a reason to come home late. I have one friend who will call me on Monday and tell me she told her husband she has a meeting on Thursday so I have to go out to dinner with her. But everyone is in family mode on the weekend and I understand and support that. I often make at least one solid plan for a social event on the weekend so that I won’t have any reason to feel sorry for myself. But I haven’t made any plans for this weekend and this whole “I’m single and I can do whatever I want” thing is getting old. Oh, wait a friend did call me at 9:00 pm last night to see if I wanted to go out – oh, wait – that would involve me going out with a bunch of folks whose sole purpose was to drink and get drunk. Dinner? I can do that. Happy hour? I’ll see you at 5 (“oh, I’m not drinking I don’t feel so great today”). Sunday afternoon movie? Sure. Starting the night at 10pm and ending it at 3am? I’m really over that anyway and without alcohol or a special event (like when Mr. Marvelous asks me to a black tie gala) there is no way I’m go down that road.
Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself on weekends. I’m lonely on the weekends. I feel dissatisfied. I waste time. It’s hard to make decisions. I’m unmotivated to do things that will actually benefit me (like reading for work or cultivating a hobby). This has been happening since college. I don’t know why weekends are rough and it makes me feel like I have no life (i.e. sorry for myself).