I’ve been trying to identify some of the reasons that I keep drinking heavily when all appearances might indicate that my life is just fine. I’ve recorded some thoughts in my journal and have a draft post that I’m working on little by little. For some reason, it’s difficult to “discuss” the triggers because sometimes they don’t make sense and/or they make me feel weak and dysfunctional. So, sometimes I have to tuck away those topics.
But this evening, I discovered a new trigger! Lucky me. I was talking to my sister on the phone and as we were talking, I began to think about drinking. I began to have a taste for it and I wished that I had some wine in the fridge. I even realized that my back brain (that’s what I call the part that thinks and visualizes whatever it wants) was thinking about going to the corner store to buy a bottle. It had very quiet thoughts about 20 days being enough for now and I could just drink tonight, not count it, and start back up tomorrow.
We talked for about 35 minutes then I was able to end the call. I felt a lot of anger, I felt caged up, I was frustrated, I started crying, I allowed myself to ponder this situation and came up with a few possible answers. I read other blogs, made some comments, got some cookies and sat down to try and sort this out.
My sister is four and a half years older than me. We have always been close. She has always shown me tremendous love and we have always been a bit closer with each other than with my other sister. They are both older than me. As adults, these relationships have evened out and I have excellent relationships with both of my sisters. But my other sister does not bring up the range of emotions that this one does.
I frequently feel judged by Sister A. She rarely has the reactions to me and the things I share with her that I hope she will. I censor myself around her because of the way that she reacts, interprets, or just shuts down a conversation when its something that doesn’t align with her way of thinking. She is extremely emotional, but not dramatic, and I often avoid being too assertive with her because of how upset she will get. Plus, its hard to get her alone since my nieces are always around (I adore them and see them frequently). Truthfully, I would rather spend time with my nieces than with my sister and her husband. It’s soooo much more fun when it’s just me and them.
One of the things I thought about this evening was that Sister A frequently filled in for my mother’s shortcomings. My parents are great, did the best they knew how to, and I don’t hold any grudges against them anymore. But, growing up, there were things they should have done that they didn’t. Sister A gave me the sex talk, got me into college, taught me how to make a budget, how to use public transportation, got me all my jobs in college, helped me through a major crisis, always had me stay over at her house when she was newly married, cooked for me…everything. She truly filled in all the places where my mom fell short. I love her so deeply but I also feel alot of anger toward her and I don’t know why.
I often have recurring dreams, have my whole life, and one of the dreams is that I am with family members and we are trying to get somewhere or do something important and no one is doing the right thing and I am screaming at them, mad-wild-put a straight jacket on me- screaming. Sometimes its at my mom or dad but usually it is at Sister A. I have never screamed at Sister B in a dream. Usually, I know the solution to the situation and they won’t listen to me (like trying to call an ambulance b/c my dad was hurt but everyone wanted to walk together to the hospital). When I wake up, I feel much the same way I felt when I got off the phone with Sister A this evening.
I don’t let her walk over me, I say what I think. But I also don’t say things that could be said. I don’t show her that I’m mad at her, I’m never mean to her. I get very passive with her. She never says a mean word to me, she is appreciative of all that I do to help her and of the relationship that I maintain with my nieces. We have fun together and we’re nice to each other. I really don’t understand why I have these issues with her. It doesn’t add up for me. All the evidence would indicate a strong and secure relationship. I literally wanted to throw the phone across the room this evening, but it’s expensive, so I stalled, did whatever I could to calm down without alcohol and wrote this post.
Thoughts, perspectives, and “a-ha’s” are welcome. This has perplexed me for years but I never knew it made me feel like drinking.