blah. tired. low energy. feeling sad. I was really tired today and I felt like I didn’t want to fight against it. I got the necessities taken care of and couldn’t do much more than that. It’s not that I want to drink – I mean, part of me does but another part of me is slightly repulsed at the idea of it. I’m not actively thinking about how much I would like some wine right now, but I’m still not conditioned out of it so there is also a part of me that is saying, “Wait a minute, can you tell me again why am I not drinking?” I think about how it would be fine to have 1 or 2 drinks, but then again, I haven’t had 1 or 2 drinks for many years now. Why would I think I will just magically become a normal drinker? I’m not trying to punish myself, but this is a time to be honest. The only way I could have two drinks would be to buy that specific amount and then not start drinking until the stores were closed and I wouldn’t have the option to go out an get more. Then I would feel frustrated after having 2 drinks because I would want just one more, 3 is okay, its the 4th and 5th that are bad. So, basically what I just said is that I would have to lock myself inside my house in order to drink like a normal person. Yeah, totally normal, everyone locks themselves up to drink.
I’m tagging this under “I think I’m funny” because there is some humor in it but the more appropriate tag would be, “I might be a complete lunatic.” Oh well, I’ve marked up some significant passages in two of the books I’m reading and I hope that tomorrow I’ll be in a more intelligent place to reflect and write.