heavy

My heart is heavy.  My mind is heavy.  I’m not drinking, but it’s hard.

I work in a field/position that has been directly affected by the school shooting in Connecticut.  I was at a conference most of the weekend – it was good, but demanding.  My car was broken in to.  Everything is okay, but it’s hard to sit in the driver’s seat and know that some meth-head took some of my stuff and knows my name and address.

I’m okay.  I’m calm.  I’m hurting for myself and for others.  It’s just a heavy time.

there was a huge party

I let life get the better of my goal to post everyday during December.

On Thursday, I was just exhausted.  It was a good exhausted because I love this job I started in October.  But all I could do was come home, lay on the couch, watch a show and go to bed.  I should have forced myself to just a short post, but I gave into the laziness I needed to recover from the day.

So, there was this huge holiday party for my organization last night and I drank.  It’s okay, nothing bad happended, I had 3 glasses of wine and they were pouring a proper glass, and I know I’m still not a normal drinker because of the effort it took to stop after 3.  But I would like to share the situation.

One of my closest friends was coming as my guest.  She knows that I’m not drinking in December but not the whole story as to why.  I went to pick her up and told her that I really wanted to have a glass of wine at the party.  We talked about it a little bit and agreed that she would keep and eye on me and I would not drink too much.  I think the main reason that I was able to drink safely last night was because there was someone there who knew and was supporting me.  That is not normally the case.  I’m not saying that I can now drink normally if I have a friend with me.  It just happened to work out fine last night.  But, I also noticed that there were alot of people not drinking at all.  I noticed that there were a couple of people who were totally drunk and are going to feel really bad about it come Monday.  Also, the food was amazing and I spread my drinks out.  And I still know it’s not normal to put that amount of effort into controlled drinking.

There is a SMART recovery meeting on Friday evenings not too far from me.  I’ve been thinking of going.  It would be one of those huge scary things that probably turns out just fine.  I think Friday would be the perfect night to go to a meeting and acknowledge the success of not drinking during the week while building back up the strength to not cave in on the weekend.